Change of Heart, Change of Direction

[This post was originally published on as part of the First Person Singular blog.]

True or false? Being single is better than not being single.

It’s been awhile since my last post, and it’s not just because I’ve been really busy. Truthfully, this blog and its topics have finally come to a head. Looking back to my first post in September, I never imagined how much I’d learn about, well, everything—and especially myself, through this little outlet for my weirdest and ever changing thoughts on love and everything like it. I thought I’d put all my thoughts out there and maybe convince a few people to get out of bad relationships. That was my goal. I didn’t think I needed that much reforming. Really, what was I thinking??

First and foremost, I feel I have to clarify to anyone reading that I DON’T despise relationships as much as I might have accidentally gotten across. I can’t even count the number of close friends and family members who thought I was set on being single for the foreseeable future. Single as in not dating, not just single as in unmarried. That was never my intent, ever! The point I was so ridiculously trying to make is that being single is not to be hated. That was all. And yeah, in my “About” section (which has recently been revised) I did say I hoped I would stay single for a long, long time. I was trying to be funny. Har har? Honestly, here’s a confession, something I didn’t really even realize myself till very recently: I’m not trying to delay a relationship or love as long as I possibly can because I despise emotional connections or anything less than 100% independence. It’s just that I was trying to avoid being rejected or hurt. I’m the kind of person who will fortify her feelings and emotions at the tiniest hint of a letdown. I guess I was in denial that that was still true. I think I figured if I delayed not being single as long as I could, or pretended to delay it, I could find the perfect formula to find what I wanted and skip all the uncertainty and heartache…

So there you have it. I tried to fight my very nature, but your heart can’t tell a lie for very long. And many events since September have culminated in the realization that I can’t deny who I am: a romantic and a sap to the highest degree. Sigh. I say that without cringing. And I think I figured out the answer to the question I was asking: when is it better NOT to be single? Anytime. Like now. Right now. There’s no magic amount of money to have in your savings account (although having more certainly helps, in general), no specific point on your career path to reach, no prescribed amount of feeling of “readiness” where the circumstances will align, no number of recipes to have mastered, and no set point on your individual path to enlightenment. It will probably always be inconvenient, but you just have to be aware of a key things: know your boundaries and how/when to assert them, don’t force things to happen or not happen, and it’s okay to wear your heart on your sleeve a little bit.

I’d be lying if I said that the change of heart was sudden, or that it was not influenced by someone in particular. There’s no need to get into details here, but quite frankly, I’ve never met anyone quite like him. And perhaps most importantly of all: I can’t even explain why, but I’ve never felt the way I feel about him about anyone else, ever. And even though things didn’t work out the way I wanted them to, some lessons you just have to learn the hard way.

Anyway, I just had to get that all of this out there. So the point of this post? Don’t do as I’ve said, and don’t do as I’ve done. You can always recover from a relationship that’s gone on way too long or was bad for you…but if something or someone takes a hold of you unexpectedly and inconveniently and maddeningly, believe me, it’s an even bigger mistake to let that something get away…

This will probably be my last post of 2010, as I need some time to think about where to go from here. I am done with overanalyzing–because I’ve realized something: the universe has a funny way of answering everything if you just let it. Look, I still think being single is great, but I’m willing to admit that not being single can be even better. Neither one is the solution to everything. (And to clarify, I am still single.) And I’m definitely not in the mood to wax poetically about the awesome independence that is unattachedness. I don’t want to cling to my singleness as much as I have, even if unintentionally.

Until 2011…

– Pam

  1. Pete said:

    good work, pam. i like this post a lot. your hard candy shell is gone! 🙂 at the micro level, i’m sorry you’re hurt right now. at the macro level, i’m glad you feel like you got some self-awareness out of the deal. i really like the part about how it’s always inconvenient, and if you’re always trying to be “ready,” you’ll never be “ready.” so true. i read a quote about destiny earlier this morning. is goes like this: “a person often meets his destiny on the road he took to avoid it.” some 17th-century french guy said this, and i think it’s true.

    the only part that makes me sad is that you seem disappointed at having to revise your stance on single-hood. don’t be. be happy that you’ve had more experiences that have changed your opinion. after all, none of us knew the stove was hot until we touched it. think how sad it would be if we all had to feel guilty about all the things we didn’t know before we learned them! you’re not a politician with constituents to satisfy. you’re just pam, living it up for pam. keep on rollin’, girl. you’re good! 🙂

    hope we can catch up soon. sounds like you have some cool new stories.

    • Pam said:

      “Hard candy shell.” LOL.

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