Quarterlife Identity Crisis, Anyone?

You know what sucks about being single? For all that sweet independence, you are in fact, alone a lot. More time for all those thoughts to marinate in your head and work you up into a mess of what-ifs and what-thens and what-did-THAT-means. You have all the choices in the world, so you second guess every move you make.

Is it just me, or does it seem that in your 20s and 30s, all can be going quite well except for one thing? (Except for the days when nothing is going well.)

Or, one thing can suddenly make a huge leap of progress and after a short-lived respite of happiness, panic sets in that it was just a fluke. And that never-satisfied mind of yours, it only serves to pain you to remember there are some things that seem ever stuck in a rut.

Maybe that’s why I’m so terrified – there, I said it – to want a relationship or anything close to love. If what I want today is not what I want tomorrow, well—who am I to inflict the consequences of my uncertainty on another person? And I don’t mean that in a 100% selfless way…because I worry that what I might like/love today I might not tomorrow…

I read somewhere recently that the way to conquer these types of crises is to do one thing: “don’t focus on your emotions, only on your actions.”

Great. Now, how do I forget my emotions? And what if I can’t figure out WHAT to do? Is some sort of forward momentum better than no action at all?

Thoughts? Comments? Tips? I’ll take anything!
(Except comments along the lines that I should remember how blessed I am, etc. Duh. I know that. Quarterlife crises can’t be guilted out of…I’ve tried.)

  1. Wendy said:

    I love u. U think too much. Xoxo come for another dinner! 😉

    • Pam said:

      What? Me? Overthink? Never!
      p.s. Would love to come to dinner again! 😀

  2. Hmmm… Perhaps this should be titled: “Desperately seeking self” You seem at one moment to be holding on to your “Singledom” with both hands and nails dug in,relishing the freedoms it gives you, and make it clear that your not looking for an emotional connection with anyone for various reasons…Yet, you find yourself more and more missing (Dare I say: Craving) the physical and emotional comfort and support (Not to mention satisfactions) that come with being in an actual relationship with someone. Now you and I have had various conversations where you have made what it is your looking for…kinda clear. You seem to be searching for an “ideal” The problem with most ideals, is that they rarely exist in a physical presence, and are even more so rare as actual people.
    So the next point is that perhaps the only person that can truly fit this “Ideal” is you. So would you want to date you/some guy just like you?? I don’t ask this in an accusatory manner but merely in a reflective sense.
    You may find yourself having to “give some to get some” (The old couple compromise). As in find someone who matches your taste, that you have an actual interest in, has an interest in you, and put in the time and effort to create aforementioned “connection” and thus lose a little of your self freedoms due to being with that person. So I guess the essence of the dilemma here is which do you desire..or fear more.
    Any way I am tired so this could just be the mad ramblings of another burned relationship cynic…As the saying goes: “Take it for what you will.”

    • Kelly said:

      Ohhh Travis, brush up on web etiquette.

    • Pam said:

      I’m not quite sure you actually read what I actually wrote. I didn’t get into specifics because there was no need…but none of my QL crises of late have ANYTHING to do with the absence or presence of a relationship.

      Never said I’m not seeking emotional connections – I rather think I have pretty good ones with many friends!

  3. Kelly said:

    This is a “public” blog, any personal conversations and/or comments should be kept just that between you and her. Somebody, TRAVIS, needs to learn web etiquette!

    • Pam said:


  4. Travis said:

    OH MY!!! I am so sorry!!! In no way meant for my comment to be, nor to be taken in a disrespectful fashion. I sincerely apologize to both the author and the readers for the unintentional SEVERE breach of etiquette!!

  5. Skank Tank said:

    no snarky or witty comment on this one. the lonely time and over thinking is just one of the trade offs for freedom. get a pet… it helps!

    • Pam said:

      My apartment doesn’t allow pets, sadly, nor would I be able to take care of a dog (allergic to cats). But if I could, I agree – I have never overthought a single thing in the company of my parents’ Jack Russell!!

      • Skank Tank said:

        get a fish! i was never good with them, mine all comitted suicide but most people dont seem to have my unique problems haha.

  6. Kyle said:

    “Great. Now, how do I forget my emotions? And what if I can’t figure out WHAT to do? Is some sort of forward momentum better than no action at all?”

    Forget about your emotions is to simply become lost in what it is you do. Know that everything you do is a reflection of a responsibility or an unconscious desire, and then become completely absorbed in what it is you’re doing without allowing your inner mind the time it needs to dissect and scrutinize what it is your doing.

    After all, that’s what dreams are for.

    • Pam said:

      I like your advice, Kyle. Thanks for weighing in!!

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