Undoing the List: My Never-Have-I-Evers
As I’ve mentioned, this year I’ve been mulling over my future tactics, if you will, for whenever I’m ready for an LTR again. So naturally I have to consider all past history. And it hit me at one point—I have the arranged-marriage gene!
It was a true eureka moment. Why had I not realized this before?! My parents had an arranged marriage, as did their ancestors in India before them. I may have been born and raised in the U.S., but by golly, my genes haven’t had time to evolve. It could take generations! Of COURSE I don’t know what I want. After centuries, it’s only natural that my know-my-type-and-what-to-do instincts are a complete mess. My ancestors never had to date around or hunt down their mates, so neither could I! It’s not ME, just ask Darwin!
Then I remembered…my parents actually knew each other for years before they got married. My parents’ siblings all had ‘love-marriages.’ And I have a first cousin who’s having a love-marriage wedding in January.
Damn it.
Ok, so maybe I have to look at more recent history.
To that end, I’ve been making a mental list this year of my Never-Have-I-Evers—tactics I have not tried in the name of finding love (what, were you expecting something kinky?), actions that others might call, um, normal. Like the following:
- I’ve never given out my phone number to anyone who asked. Ever.
- I’ve never followed through on friends’ offers to introduce me to someone they thought would make a good match for me. I didn’t even ask for specifics. I flat out said no thanks.
- I’ve never randomly chatted up a hot stranger, even if he was literally smiling and making eye contact.
I know what you’re thinking: You tried to blame this on evolution??
Hey now. I’ve admitted my past life as a disgusting romantic. The downfall of being a romantic is that we tend to (sometimes unwittingly) reject anything less than the most picturesque and serendipitous scenario. We tend to fall for people we’ve known for years (what Friend Zone?). We seek what is comfortable and idealize the hell out of it.
A lot of good that’s done me. So, I’ve decided, what better way to kick formerly-romantic-me’s starry-eyed idealism in the ass than to seek out ways to undo the list? I will effectively conquer anything that could go on my Never-Have-I-Ever list, if and when the chance arises with person(s) of interest. Anything that makes me quake with unease. New mantra for me and for all you first person singulars out there: Be open to possibilities, especially uncomfortable ones.
So, when Hampton Roads Magazine announced its annual 20 Sensational Singles call, I decided to apply. Put myself out there. Yeah. Why not?
I spent days nervously poring over the Q&A application, feeling hopeful yet panic-stricken the second I hit ‘Send.’
A week later, I got the email. YES! The editors did think I’m sensational! Yay! Woo hoo!
Wait a minute. What feature spread in the October issue listing all my info and answers? What photo shoot? What LIVE AUCTION on September 30?? Sell myself on stage to WHOEVER ends up casting the highest bid? No chance to call on my natural instincts to renege, reject blindly, or run?
Gulp. I’m a Sensational Single. What have I gotten myself into?
Are you comfortable giving out your phone number or being matched up by friends? Am I the ONLY one who’s never done either? (Go ahead, lie. Make me feel better!)
And feel free to make a suggestion for my list. I’m feeling bold, I just might do it!
(bitter)sweet on you 
So glad you started this blog! I love it. Keep it up, Pam.
thanks Brooke! 🙂
Pam, this is great stuff. I’ve just recently found myself in the “first person singular” boat. For me, connecting with someone has never been an issue, not because I’m some sort of chick magnet, but rather because I’ve had nothing but two long-term disasters… ahem… relationships. Reading your “never-have-i-ever” list made me think about those items as well as all the other common relationship-seeking behaviors I’ve never exhibited. My first reaction was one of nauseating fear. How the hell am I supposed to go out and do this stuff? I’m not in high school. I’m not even an undergrad anymore. Aren’t the (hypothetical) girls I want to meet looking for something more than the typical pickup lines and b.s. conversations over cheap draught beer? I sure hope so. So, then, where does that leave me? I could certainly try to play the game and go out on some dates, but that’s not love, after all, is it? It may be a means to love, but the process entails a lot of extra work and surely a lot of wasted time. Maybe the answer is to place a Craigslist add reading something like, “Man in search of kind, intelligent, drug-free lady interested in immediate marriage and child-bearing!” They say it’s a good idea to go out and play the field, dating around and learning what you like and dislike. This may be true, but it sure is scary to think about.
Pete, I know how you feel about wanting to find love and feeling like there can be too much of a game out there. I may love being single, but I also have a deep respect for marriage…but later rather than sooner is my hope. Hope you keep reading!!
……..two words. Brain Candy. Start there and the rest falls sweepingly into place.
Haha, Michelle, I love it!!